doothy dorothy do

[I don’t know why I’m jotting down my thoughts on this ideal little gadget, but if it exists, please let me know! I just haven’t been able to find anything like it out there.]

THE FUTURE IS NOW.

Back in 1999 I made a PowerPoint presentation (lollollz) about Home Automation for the “Technology + Its Humanistic Implications” (also lollollz) grad school class I took as an overly eager undergrad who wanted to make web pages and um, PowerPoint presentations. At the time, I imagined it was only a matter of a year or so before I lived in a home where my curtains opened automatically with a push of a remote control button, Shubert started playing on the stereo as I brushed my teeth, and the coffee would brew itself before I made it to the kitchen.

The thing is, besides a few hotels, luxury apartments and the abodes of tech enthusiasts, very few people ever capitalized on home automation technology. The most used device was one of these things to set your lights on a timed schedule or your coffee maker to go off in the morning (or was that just me, pre-programmable coffee makers?).

Hardly x-10 technology, but very simple stuff.

Which is rather the point.

COULD YOUR DAD PROGRAM THE VCR?

The biggest reason people haven’t taken advantage of home automation systems en masse is because what’s been on offer has been presented in a manner that’s just way too complicated. There are too many manuals to read, too many things to install, just … too many bells and whistles. I know we don’t use VCRs anymore but I guess if I were designing something I hoped everyone would use in the home, I’d ask myself, are we asking people to do something more complicated than programming a VCR? Because if we are, the payoff better be huge. Like, DVR huge.

THE NEST, THE NEST!

I think The Nest, like the DVR, is a great example of something that’s not easy to install (it’s somewhat of a pain, actually) but has a huge payoff. Plus, unlike other home automation improvements, it consists of just one device - no other hardware needed. More importantly, once in, this device is intuitive - so very easy to use. And most importantly is, as mentioned, the payoff: The Nest makes life for a lazybody like me just a million times better on a quotidien basis.

I love, love, love turning the heat on or off from bed. I really love that I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night and walk downstairs to turn it off because I’m too hot and we forgot. I love that I can turn it on if I wake up earlier than I planned (it has happened) in the morning and linger in bed as the house heats up. Of course, there are programming options we use as well, but I love the Nest primarily for its on/off Wi-Fi controlled functionality.

Which got me thinking: Why do we have a Nest - a Wi-Fi on/off at its core - for our thermostat and not any other appliance?

BEEN THERE DONE THAT - NOT.

OK so it seems someone already had this idea (I’m sure lots have, of course) but only a prototype was built, and nothing was ever manufactured for mass market purchase. And in fact, this little adapter is pre-marketed as more of an electrical energy measurement tool than anything else. And, again, was never made.

So if a big company hasn’t executed it, seems like the perfect Kickstarter project, right? But thus far, this is the only thing I could find (thank you, Robert). Not only was the “tech sync power system” not really what I’m talking about (it was presented more as a sophisticated dimming, timing and energy saving system for lighting than on/off for appliances) but it turned out to be a fraud of a project, despite enthusiastic backing.

It also wasn’t a simple adapter that could be plugged into any outlet; it would have required the installation of special outlets. Please, no screwdrivers.

IT’S ON/OFF, STUPID.

I may have dropped out of EECS 100 (hey, I aced the first quiz, but I was an English major in a weeder course for engineers and Flaubert was more my language than hexadecimal notation) but honestly this doesn’t seem that complicated. Why can’t an engineer come up with: On. Off. Via Wi-Fi.

Let me repeat myself: Why in the world isn’t there, at this point already, a simple adapter you can plug into an outlet that turns on or off an attached appliance via Wi-Fi? A standalone adapter (not a special outlet you have to install), and one that doesn’t exist within the confines of some $200+ home automation system?

Something, indeed, my dad could use (sorry dad, you’re not the most tech-savvy guy) within a few minutes of taking out of the box?

MAKE ME MY TEA, JEEVES.

Maybe I’m thinking too simply, but am I the only one that would love to be lying in bed and decide, hmm, I think I’ll get up now, let me use my iPhone to turn on the coffee maker/electric kettle from upstairs, so my hot beverage is ready by the time I’ve used the bathroom, thrown on my robe, gotten the paper and bumbled into the kitchen?

Obviously there are a few different use cases for a Wi-Fi controlled on/off adapter - adding timing functionality would be nice; inherent energy saving would be a side benefit of not having a vampire appliance always on and running; being able to measure energy saved would be a feel good - these additions would be easy to create on the software/app side once you made the hardware.

But really, simply, ON/OFF from bed, that’s what I’d like. Maybe I’m just not a morning person.

My last name is relatively rare in the world of Mc’s. (It actually means “son of the black hearted” in Irish. Sounds like me, right?)

So somehow my sister got included on an email discussion about another family’s upcoming Christmas that included an email address of a [sharedfirstinitial][sharedlastname]@gmail.com.

She asked to be removed from the list, but they’ve kept her on, and she’s been sharing some of the drama of planning with me. Thus far, Jane, the originator of the discussion, is being super bossy about who should bring what (BAKED dinner rolls. 5 bottles of wine. Any dishes must be brought WARM and with a lid ON to avoid oven congestion.)

There’s some passive agressive resistance to Jane’s efforts. Kim, Jane’s daughter, says, “I can bring 3 appetizers and I will leave it a surprise what I am bringing.” 

SURPRISE! I feel like Kim might have some other surprises in store?

Personally, I’d like to chime in as well. There are going to be 40 people at this thing, and I don’t think 5 bottles of wine is nearly enough. I’m also vaguely aghast that on the list of menu items one can sign up for is: jello, deviled eggs, pop for the kids, and “hot vegetable” (wild card! Oh wait, someone’s bringing “cheesy broccoli”).

Don’t get me wrong: I love ’50s-style American food  - especially at Thanksgiving - but this menu is all over the map. I mean, speaking of Thanksgiving, they’re having turkey and stuffing (I guess that could be in some kind of English tradition) but also ham and PASTA and mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes.

I have to stop thinking about their Christmas planning email chain. It’s all I can do to jump in and tell Jane that if she’s not going to make anything for dinner (I mean, what is she making? Apparently nothing; all of the aforementioned items are items you can sign up to bring) why is she bothering to host? Next year we’ll have it here and everyone needs to bring at least a bottle of wine, and I’ll surely bake the dinner rolls myself in advance to avoid oven congestion.

I wrote a post about throwing up and you didn’t have to read about it. 

I have never told my friends in real life about this Tumblr. (Why would I? It’s not like it’s my livejournal or diaryland of yore. Those were consistently updated with real thoughts and feelings.) And only like 5 people who I really know have Tumblrs and I followed them and they followed me back.

What I’m saying is, barely anyone reads this and there was no reason to create noonecaresaboutyourpregnancy except that I would like to spare those 5 people the banal observations about the next 5 months unless they “opt in.”